Travels & things that unravel

The last I spoke with you, I had highly anticipated and somewhat fret the arrival of my fall travels nearing each day. I can assure you that words have been written and thoughts been exchanged each day. Some of which I have chosen at this point to keep as an internal ponderous thought and nothing more. But I do want to share with you at least a bit of my journey thus far.

I am currently in Houston, Texas. They're not lying when they tell you everything is big in Texas. Houston is huge and having traveled here last fall and seen a lot of things, this time around my eyes are opened to things I never even regarded last year. Two weeks into my six weeks of fall travels and I am already seeing things unfold and begin to be unveiled in my life. It's quite amazing what some separation from the distractions and monotony of life can do for my your mind, body and soul. I asked God before heading out to show me things about my future and teach me to trust him alone in the moments when I truly do feel alone. I tell you this not to give you some grand insight to my life but to give you an individual hope for yourself to know that when you truly listen out for God, he will speak to you! I had truly believed that God was going to speak to me on this trip and oh how he's exceeded my expectations. It's difficult to quite articulate but it's like when you go to a football game and you choose to sit in the best seat at the very front (not a top priority of mine). All of the other games when you sat thickly amongst the crowd, you became distracted with conversations and the interactions among you and you observed and fully witnessed maybe half of the game if you're lucky. You then have to ask those around you what truly happened because you never witnessed it for yourself. But when you sit all the way at the front, everything that once distracted you is now behind you and you are fully immersed and fully present in that moment. You don't have to turn to anyone for insight because you are experiencing it for yourself. When you get a front row ticket, you see with different eyes. I finally got a front row ticket and I could see everything clear as day!!!

Being in new state lines with unfamiliar faces has made me more familiar with myself and who God has created me to be. It's been quite eye-opening and mind blowing. I've been reminded that God has such a crazy way of fitting things together in our lives that if we truly were to manipulate his will, we would suffer a life of settling and leaving us empty and frantically searching in return.

I was able to catch up with a couple of great friends one night this week in which I felt both encouraged and challenged as an individual. I was reminded, "Why live in God's permissive will when you could be living in his perfect will"? Much or rather all of my life I have limited God to the mold that I see for my life. Though they are all things that I strongly desire with true intentions, I have been  narrow minded and told him the ways in which they are able to come to past. I forgot that as a creative individual, someone more creative has created me. How silly to think that A+B always has to equal C! I see a timeline yet he sees a lifetime. I see rational and he sees radical. I see boundaries and he sees opportunities.I pray innumerable and he answers bountiful.

Though there are many pieces of my future that are still being put into place, I am able to see God clearly, front and center. When I see sunrises in the morning, I no longer see a pretty splash of pink and purple; I truly know he made that new day for me and a chance to start anew. When I experience the different cultures of the various cities, I no longer get frustrated with the ones that I don't really care for; I see a beautiful array and variety of creativity within the world. When I open my eyes, I see things differently. I'm still afraid but I have hope. I'm still sad but he fills me with his joy. I'm still lonely but I'm not alone. I'm still unsure of what the future holds but he assures me that he holds it.

This week I have been challenged with all of my desires in life and he were to grant me those things I've so fervently asked for, would I be willing to do what is required to chase after it? I have been reminded multiple times in my life to be careful what I pray and ask for because God will give it to me and then some. Sometimes the things we truly want in our lives require stepping out and taking a not so familiar route to get there. Oh but when I arrive...I can only imagine the elated feelings that occur.

I came across a piece of paper that I forgot I had packed in my travel bag. I read the words and my soul was reminded of its truths. Perhaps its words will thicken your faith as it did mine.

"Change.
Even the word threatens me.
The thought of going from a comfortable,
though boring, situation
into unknown territory is frightening.
It's hard enough to adjust to a roomful of furniture
that has been switched around,
much less adapt to a whole new set of circumstances
that God is arranging in my life.

I guess the Lord had to make us basically hesitant
and wary of change, so that we'd be stable
and wouldn't go running away
every time we encountered an unlikeable circumstance.
But God doesn't want us to be stagnant either.

For a long time I've been praying
that He would do something in my life.
But when he tries to answer that prayer
by introducing something new and challenging to me,
I run scared.
I had expected He would bring some new interest
into the old familiar situation.
But he surprised me.
Instead, He closed that door and opened another,
saying, "This is the way; walk ye in it."*

I've never been an adventurer or explorer,
Cozy, familiar surroundings are what I prefer.
But I'm going to take a step of faith
and show the Lord I really trust Him.

I'm going to follow Him
no matter where He leads."

-Linda Kling
*Isaiah 30:21

These are the things of travel that began to unravel.

Grace - I'm dumbfounded

I happened upon some strangers yesterday. Nothing extraordinary about that encounter I suppose. But something about this run-in made the ordinary quite different this time.

It's interesting what you'll learn when gaining insight into another's world. Some freely share information that any within walking distance could hear. I felt guilty for having just learned their entire life story but more saddened by what they had made of this life.

I was made aware of the cheapness they had made of their life as they lessened women to an attraction and quick means to satisfaction for their carnal desires. They spoke with brash and harsh language and acted as though this life almost owed them everything. Again, I was saddened.

I felt like I was back in high school when boys (and girls included) would speak in degrading ways and not just degrade others but lose respect for themselves by how they acted and the way in which they spoke. I was never the popular kid but I definitely never felt like I quite fit in. I was the "church girl" so deep down I felt as though they respected me for it though they would purposefully leave me out of things because they knew it wasn't "my cup of tea". 

In the long run I suppose I owe a thanks to them for respecting my personal convictions. 

It wasn't easy then and it definitely isn't easy now.

Somehow I supposed I believed in the greater good and hoped for the best. I assumed as you got older, people got wiser and I don't know, grew up. But it's not any easier. 

I work in a Christian environment where my co-workers believe the best for my life and I actually get to pray with them in meetings. It's tough when you step outside of that to remember how soiled this world truly is and if you're not careful, you're no better than the rest. 

The difference in a soiled soul and a pure one? Grace. 

I'm truly no better than those strangers I happened upon by chance. I just accepted his grace. Tomorrow I'll need it again and the next day, and the next. 

I hope for a world who not just feels a love like I do but truly gets it. His unrelenting pursuit that surpasses mankind's attempt at its best. And I hope that in my attempts, I can even but scrape the surface of what it means to truly love relentlessly. 

I hope one day those strangers find a love one day that is real. Perhaps I'm ashamed for having not shown them to it. 

I exchanged valuable conversation with a dear friend a few days ago in which she relinquished some inspiring pieces and I graciously jumped on board. In a book meant for the world's idea of "lovers", though struck by the desire to find similar encounters, I found it highly parallel to the Lord's love for his people.

The book is a man's definition of words through the eyes of himself toward his lover but I find great parallels among its pages of the ways in which the Lord loves us. This word's definition particularly grabbed my by the throat...

Dumbfounded.

"And still, for all the jealousy, all the doubt, sometimes I will be struck with a kind of awe that we're together. That someone like me could find someone like you -- it renders me wordless. Because surely words would conspire against such luck, would protest the unlikelihood of such a turn of events. I didn't tell any of my friends about our first date. I waited until after the second, because I wanted to make sure it was real. I wouldn't believe it had happened until it had happened again. Then, later on, I would be overwhelmed by the evidence, by all the lines connecting you to me, and us to love." 

-David Levithan

Thank you Lord for loving me more and more each day. I'm still in awe that you chose me! Most would still think it's crazy that a man as wonderful as you has not yet given up on me. But I, I don't. It did take me a while to connect the dots and believe it was real. It took a lot of pursuing on your end. But I'm so grateful you didn't give up. 

I'm dumfounded.

Road maps and airports

It's that time.

Again.

I find myself calm on the exterior but inwardly frantic as I repeatedly tell myself, "It's gonna be great". 

I'm going away again soon. 7 weeks to be exact.

I tell myself I'm going to love it but logically I'm missing home and I haven't even departed. 

Suitcases. Ahhh, suitcases. And laundry mats for clean clothes. 

What about the weekends? Do I bask in the company of strangers? 

Boredom - I surely won't welcome that. But mom taught me not to take candy from a stranger. But coffee, that's okay, right? 

It's a duty I must endure. A task that calls me away - I'm there for other reasons. But in the meantime, will I run into lonesome once more?

I think I'll run through the cities aimlessly, buy coffee cups with corny tourist photos and magnets that have no use. I'll eat new foods and see new faces. 

It will be good. Yes, it will.

I'll play house with my temporary cars and perhaps get a permanent souvenir. I'll travel the country though not yet the world. 

It will be good.

I'll read roadmaps for books and travel to airports for adventure.

Each hotel is my home. Though it changes each day.

I'll wake up in a new city and remember it for it's beauty. 

I travel for work.

It's that time.

Again.

be.

Be. Our hope. When fear has gripped us. Hold. Our hand. When we're afraid to walk alone. Remind us. You're faithful. When we can't see past today. Calm. Our souls. When chaos clouds our view. Show. Your plan. When we're unsure of where to walk. Ignite. A passion. To do more than merely exist. Rid. The pain. So we can walk freely unweighted. Help. Our struggles. So aren't defined by our failures. Be. Enough. To get us through today.

It’s been a few days.

I’ve been thinking.

Pensive little Steph has had thoughts but no words.

I’ve arrived. I’ve arrived at this place of familiarity. Elated like a little girl in her favorite local candy shop, my smiles soon turned into squeals, the squeals then progress to laughter and the laughter producing tears of unknown feelings.

“Yesss!!!,” I exclaimed!

9 months later and I was FINALLY HOME!

As I’ve ventured through this transition South away from the familiar and into the somewhat “unknown”, I had little time in life’s chaotic ways to ever process the deep longing inside to simply be home. Before the blink of an eye, nearly a year had passed since I had taken a journey back home to the roads that endured my innumerable days and years of pensive thoughts. I smelled the cool, crisp air once more and it was like getting of whiff of Mom’s perfume each morning as she gets ready for work. Ahhhh, it was so familiar as it swept across my nose. I saw faces that gave me feelings of love, security, & support.

This week I’ve been absent in ways but so present in this current moment.

I was reading this morning in my devotional and a portion jumped off of the page and slapped me in the face. Perhaps this will ring true with you…

“The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness.”

Not So Convenient Inconveniences

Life has its way of making itself so greatly inconvenient. 

Take for instance a little thing I'd like to call Mr. Frog. 

Somehow he found his way into my gated apartment complex, around the bend and then around yet another, up three flights of stairs and into my door out of all doors and then all the way down the hall, under the one inch crack of my bedroom door, up upon the bed and HOP right on into my throat. Why he chose my throat out of all throats to select? I'm not so sure. You'd think he'd pick a throat with slightly smaller tonsils so that the means of entrance would be a bit more simplistic. But nonetheless, he chose mine. He was however nice enough to enter gently, allowing me to rest and not announce his arrival until early this morning. Mr. Frog has so kindly warned me that he may be taking a more leisurely vacation; this is no weekend getaway. So just like when Aunt Loretta comes in town with her bad mood and throws you for a loop, so has Mr. Frog's surprise visit. 

I was tempted to stay in for the day and ward him off with many home remedies but I just couldn't let him ruin my day. 

Oh but his unplanned visit is only but one of many of life's not so convenient inconveniences.

I'm tempted and taunted each day by the choices of which to choose to make my inconveniences my excuse for a bad day or make them the very reason to create opportunity for growth. 

It's like the battle you have with your mother as a kid when she tells you as you're bullied in those awkward middle school years to, "be the better person". Well let's just all be honest for a second...who really enjoys being the "better person" at times in life? Sure it seems noteworthy and admirable but in the moment, it can make you look like a coward or weak link. Sometimes fighting with life's inconveniences is much easier at the moment than surrendering to its control. Though we must never believe that it truly controls us. Letting go of the grip on dictation of one's life is not giving in but giving it up to a solution much more effective and in the long run rewarding. 

I'm not sure how it started with a frog in my throat but I was just reminded of the little things in life that we let overtake us while missing valuable seasons when growth is at our fingertips in the testing of our patience.

Top of my to-do list for tomorrow? - Let the not so convenient inconveniences conveniently bring about growth in my life. 

Take that, Mr. Frog!!! ;)

Home At Last

Home.


I'm headed there for the first time in what seems like a century.


The last time we were acquainted, I was saying farewell to what thus far had been a lifetime of sentiment. The pale yellow walls of the front left room had its fair share of beatings between nail markings and scratches from this desk and that bed. The carpets filled with character of sentimental stains and the "sorry mom, I didn't mean to spill my red polish on the white shag" were no Hollywood home decor. When gazing at the worn white-washed deck, it was evident that many feet had soiled it in utter embrace of one other's company. The tree that bore fresh leaves each spring sits parallel to the little window that those big brown eyes frequently peeked out of. Even the awful and outdated plush pink carpet in the back room names the three little girl's feet that scurried across to meet mommy in the bathroom to get ready for another Sunday service.


Then surrounding these four walls you'll find the park down the street with the old familiar pier and ever changing giggling little children. The Seven Eleven only miles away has endured many hot summer days of slurpee cravings. The deer within the wooded homes recalls the runner's feet in the early weekday evenings. The little coffee shop remembers the journals that sat upon its tables and the smiles that embraced their brew. Those seemingly narrow halls filled with metal lockers and warrior display recollects the past with nostalgic desire for another go around.


When home is a place that you no longer reside, home is a feeling within. Though you exist in one place, your heart can somehow be occupied with another. Sometimes I believe no matter how far you journey or no matter how much a soul changes, its heart will always remain with that place where it all began.


Sweet, sweet Virginia, how I long to embrace you again. Now I am faced with the granting of such desires and I don't quite know what to do with it. When we reunite will you please just hold me? I remember you for the beautiful things and I'm fond of your presence.